Renouncement

by Alice Meynell

I must not think of thee; and, tired yet strong,
I shun the thought that lurks in all delight --
The thought of thee -- and in the blue heaven's height,
And in the sweetest passage of a song.
Oh, just beyond the fairest thoughts that throng
This breast, the thought of thee waits hidden yet bright;
But it must never, never come in sight;
I must stop short of thee the whole day long.
But when sleep comes to close each difficult day,
When night gives pause to the long watch I keep,
And all my bonds I needs must loose apart,
Must doff my will as raiment laid away, --
With the first dream that comes with the first sleep
I run, I run, I am gather'd to thy heart.

不可思念你，我虽疲累却坚持，
逃避那潜藏于所有喜悦的情思 --
对你的想念 -- 在蓝天高处，
在歌曲最甜蜜的一节里。
啊，在这美好的思议聚拢之际，
想你的心潜伏而流晖；
但是它万万不可显露；
我须终日警惕，却步于你的周围。
然而，当睡眠来结束每个艰难的白昼，
当黑夜让我长久的窥探稍做停息之时，
我得解开一切的束缚，
该得把坚守的意志像收藏的衣裳般脱下，--
酣然入睡，梦乡初启的一刹，
载欣载奔，我已迎上你的心头。

Dreaming CIty...Cheese Moon...One Me...One You...

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs. Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes. Being vexed, a see nourished with lovers' tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet, a choking gall and a preserving sweet.

-- William Shakespear

(author unknown)

There were no words to be spoken. With time standing still as you were lying on my lap, there were just you and me, my love, surrounded with obscure feelings that connected us once, and led us to surrender ourselves secretly to the night.

The city was wearing her most fascinating dress that night. The dark dream-dress worn so elegantly that every flickering sparkle on the dress revealed our secret dreams.

In this intoxicating view of the city, we, two strangers, from different backgrounds, yet similar feelings met under the same sky, which fell upon us as the night went by.

Our roles were set on this night's stage waiting for the right time for the right move. After all, time did not exist for us that night: every move was right, and every minute referred to a great timing, denying its existence. We were just to have this moment, together to exist in ight's everlasting memories.

Millions of thoughts crossed my mind, wandering endlessly back and forth in the imaginary reality of this particular moment. It was the urge to confront reality that drew me closer to his lips, without knowing the consequences of reality would convert to fantasy instantly.



Touching lips and thrashing tongues are the sum of how that exquisite moment occurred. I felt connected to him in an unknown way, in a way that the more passionately I kept kissing him, the less sure I became of what I was kissing. That particular night, he and I let the cheese moon and dreaming city in on our secret; the rest was meaningless.

Since then I've been lost in this universe, with a restless conscious, tracing my path by pursuing the star dust, left over from a summer night's dream, with everlasting hope to reach "there;" blinded with sublime darkness, with no time to sustain, will my floating conscious ever find him again?

Taking the risk

前不久和朋友聊天，朋友说参加一个聚会，当时有个对personality的测试，有一项是看看你自己是不是一个敢于take risk的人。
据说在场的大部分都认为自己是“低风险”一类的。

想想自己，属于什么样的人呢？当时的第一个念头，觉得自己在风险上是比较保守的：通常一件事都喜欢有个backup。
高考的时候如此，保送研究生的时候如此，申请出国读书的时候也是如此。现在，面临工作和读书的抉择，依然如此。

不过最近在关系到签证的事情上发现某些事上，自己都不能理解自己在做什么。
暑假决定要回国，很多层原因，总之心里就是不能接受不能回国的事实。可是律师也明确的warn me：如果一定坚持要
回国，可能会面临stuck在国内回不来，或是留在美国却没有身份工作的风险。

整整一个星期都在这个决定上挣扎，加上最近硕士答辩和论文的事，搞得有点小紧张。不过无论如何，
可能还是会铤而走险，回这一趟。是福是祸，只能交在天父手上了。